I'm feeling a little rough presently, and as such, I broke down and stuffed my face. It's not as bad as it could have been, but I still feel like crap both physically and emotionally. I ended up being 404 calories over my budget for the day, but a good chunk of my calories came from crunchy Cheetos and Oreos. I had originally intended to get a large Blizzard from Dairy Queen, but I talked myself out of it. I currently have two things eating away at me. I feel frustrated and alone and it's a terrible feeling. I thought having some "comfort food" would help make me feel better, but it only made things worse.
At the start of the month my oldest child was diagnosed with autism. We had already assumed that would be the case, but it certainly doesn't make it any easier to hear now that it is official. I've been trying really hard to put on a brave face and pretend like it doesn't bother me, but it does. I love my daughter with all my heart and her diagnoses doesn't change that for a second. The diagnoses does, however, scare me about how her future is going to look. She's not even three yet and I'm fretting over how she's going to make friends, how she's going to handle school and if she'll ever be able to have a family of her own.
What makes me feel even worse about the whole thing is that I don't always have the patience she needs and deserves. I find myself, at times, getting short with her. It's not fair to her, she doesn't understand. She can't communicate well, especially when it comes to her needs. The only way she's able to "tell" me that she needs/wants something is to whine. But oh that whine... It's enough to drive a person mad... I feel like such a horrible mother. A failure.
Which brings me to the next part. All this makes me miss my own mother. Come September 28th, it will have been two years since she passed away. I need her now more than ever. I could really use her guidance and help. While I realize that my life is not terrible by any means, it still feels unfair. Unfair that my mother should be taken from me so quickly. Unfair that I should be dealt a difficult hand of cards. Right now, I'm just trying to figure out how to handle it all.
My husband is very understanding and supportive, but he doesn't handle emotion very well, either his own or others', and because of this it makes me feel very alone. Hopefully things will get easier. For now, I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other. At least I know now that binging won't make me feel any better. I guess that means my dependence on food isn't as strong at it once was, so there's the silver lining. Part of the this whole process is making mistakes, learning from them and moving on. And while it doesn't feel nice to feel how I do now, I'm thankful that I learned something during this trying time.
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